Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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