hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
