The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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