you mean i was at the winter classic?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
