I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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