the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
