How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
