She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Can't talk, ducks in the car
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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