The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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