dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
