Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
