I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
sarcasm needs its own font
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
