god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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