My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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