So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
