as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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