My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
