I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
