Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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