We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
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