I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
