I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
