I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
