I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
