Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
