i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
