Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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