The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
sarcasm needs its own font
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize