I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
