My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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