Where is the hickey?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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