its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
What drink are we having for lunch?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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