No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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