i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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