just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
