FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
