Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
