I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
