I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
