I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
