Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You're like the curious george of whores
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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