Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
