what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize