We won't sleep together?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
