who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
