Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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