I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My bed smells like the plague
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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