I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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