i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
