Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
