so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
