i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
