im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
