I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
