White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
