oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
