Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
