i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
